Part 4: 14 Years Old

I felt a wave of relief when we arrived back in the United States. We had to travel separately from

father again because he had a different flight schedule, but it wasn’t that bad on the way back because I

was looking forward to playing WoW again.

     I only had one free day before I had to start school. When I got back to mother’s house, I gave her a

big hug… That was the longest time I had been away from mother. After that, I immediately asked if I

can go on her computer and play my game. I logged onto my character, which was just the way I left it

two months ago. I said hi to all of my online friends and tried to catch up on everything.


     The dreaded day arrived all too soon. I had to start High School. School had already begun while I was

still in Morocco, so I would be the “new kid” again. That made it so much worse. My father drove me

there on the first day. When we got there, I was intimidated by all the huge high school boys, and I cried

in the car for a few minutes, telling my father that I was too scared to get out. 

     I had to go, and eventually I did. We walked to the main office where I ran into Brice Miller. We

greeted each other before I was led up to join my first class of the day. Alfred Graham was in that class,

and he helped me settle in. 

     During lunchtime, Alfred showed me around the whole school. I started to feel a lot more

comfortable. He introduced me to some of the other freshmen. In the courtyard, I met Pascal and his

clique of friends. I immediately took a disliking to them. Pascal was cocky and popular, so I felt

intimidated. He was like the Crespi equivalent of Robert Morgan. As I met a few more people, I ran into

Keaton Webber! I didn’t expect to find any more people I knew at Crespi. It really took me by surprise. I

hadn’t seen Keaton since he left Topanga Elementary at the end of Fourth Grade. Keaton was still the

arrogant jerk he always was at Topanga, and he had his own clique of skateboarder friends, such as

Andy Moussa and Aaron Amman. 

     As I expected, I failed to make any new friends. I was so overwhelmed by the brutality of the world

that I just didn’t care anymore. On the very first week, I had my first experience of true bullying, not just

the teasing I had at Pinecrest. Some horrible Twelfth Graders saw me as a target because I looked like a

ten year old and I was physically weak. They threw food at me during lunchtime and after school. It

enraged me, but I was too scared to do anything about it. What kind of horrible, depraved people would

poke fun at a boy younger than them who has just entered high school? I thought to myself. 


     After the first few weeks of high school, I concluded that my time at Crespi would not be pleasant at

all. I withdrew further into the World of Warcraft, neglecting my homework and spending all of my free

time playing it. 

     As a late birthday present, father bought me a new laptop that was able to run WoW. It wasn’t a very

powerful laptop, but it performed adequately. This enabled me to have more time playing my game.

During father’s week, Soumaya was always on my back about how much time I spent on WoW, but since

my room was on the bottom floor, secluded from the rest of the house, I was able to sneak as much

time on it as I could.


     While I was playing WoW after dinner at mother’s house once, I heard my sister watching the new

show Avatar: The Last Airbender on the television.  I decided to check it out. I soon found myself really

enjoying it. It was a magnificent story set in a fantasy world where people can control the power of the

elements. Once I watched the first episode, I was hooked on the story. Prince Zuko was my favorite

character; he was a banished prince who was trying to regain his rightful place in the world. I always

related to him. Avatar: The Last Airbender became my favorite T.V. show.


     My mother informed me that she was just on the phone to Arte Ellis, and he told her that James now

played World of Warcraft. I was very pleased to hear this. I could now share my greatest interest in the

world with my good friend… my only friend. I then went over to James’s house for a sleepover, which I

hadn’t done for a while. He showed me his WoW character, who was only level 20. We weren’t on the

same server, so we couldn’t play it together. The only way would be for one of us to start over, and we

were too immersed in our characters to do that. I was fine with that. James was really fascinated by my

level 60 character, and most of the time he would just watch me play, anyway. We also played a lot of

Halo 2 together.

     Having these common interests with James reminded me of the good old days when we were

children; when we were both interested in skateboarding, and before that, Pokemon. This nostalgic

experience provided a small respite from my sufferings at school.


     My life at Crespi got even worse. Alfred and Brice apparently told everyone how weird I was at

Pinecrest, and people in my own grade started to tease me. They found out that I didn’t like being called

a skateboarder, and it was true. Because I failed to become good at skateboarding, I developed a hatred

for the sport, and whenever someone called me a skateboarder, it reminded me of my failure and I got

very angry. The whole school started calling me it just to anger me, along with other insulting names.

They teased me because I was scared of girls, calling me names like “faggot”. People also liked to steal

my belongings and run away in an attempt to get me to chase after them. And I did chase after them in

a furious rage, but I was so little and weak that they thought it was comical. I hated everyone at that

school so much.

    It got to a point where I had to wait in a quiet corner for the hallways to clear before I could walk to

class. I also took long routes around the school to avoid bullies. My parents began to consider not letting

me continue there after Ninth Grade.


     When winter break came, I felt like I had just landed on a peaceful island after swimming through a

horrific storm. It was such a fine relief. The break was to last for three weeks, and I was sorely

disappointed that two of them would be at father’s house, while only one was at mother’s. I hated being

at father’s house because Soumaya became more and more suspicious of how much time I spent playing

WoW, and she would place limits on my playtime whenever she caught me playing it. I wasn’t able to do

my five-hour-long events to collect rare armor pieces for my character while I was at father’s house.

     It was during this winter break that I experienced my first masturbation and ejaculation. It was one of

the most peculiar and memorable experiences of my life. At this point I was officially going through the

stages of puberty, and I had lots of sexual urges. I often fantasized about hot naked girls while rubbing

my penis against my mattress at night. One time, while doing this, I felt an intense stirring numbness all

around my fully erect penis, and it extended all over my body. It felt magical and ecstatic, and I kept

rubbing my penis on the mattress. That was when the orgasm happened. I couldn’t believe how much

pleasure I felt from that. I looked down at my penis to see that my semen had poured out all over it, like

a volcanic eruption of white, sticky fluid. What was happening to me? I thought to myself with nervous

excitement. It was like nothing I had ever seen or experienced before, something completely out of my

world. I felt really guilty afterwards, so I refrained from telling anyone about it.


     I started to masturbate on a regular basis. At first I only did it by rubbing my penis on my bed, but it

eventually escalated to looking at pictures of girls online while rubbing my penis against my pants,

fantasizing about doing sexual things with them. I didn’t know how to access any porn sites, so I would

just browse regular websites until I found a picture of a hot girl to masturbate to. 

     I developed a very high sex drive, and it would always remain like this. This was the start of hell for

me. Going through puberty utterly doomed my existence. It condemned me to live a life of suffering and

unfulfilled desires. Even at that young age, I felt depressed because I wanted sex, yet I felt unworthy of

it. I didn’t think I was ever going to experience sex in reality, and I was right. I never did. I was finally

interested in girls, but there was no way I could ever get them. And so my starvation began. 


     The boys in my grade talked about sex a lot. Some of them even told me that they had sex with their

girlfriends. This was the most devastating and traumatizing thing I’ve ever heard in my life. Boys having

sex at my age of Fourteen? I couldn’t fathom it. How is it that they were able to have such intimate and

pleasurable experiences with girls while I could only fantasize about it? I frequently started asking

myself. This was an all-boys school… How in the hell were those boys even able to meet girls to have sex

with? I wondered. I hoped they were lying. I hoped against all hope. Hearing that really shook me to the

core. Words cannot describe how much hatred and envy I felt for those boys. That hatred would only

fester the more I suffer from my sexual starvation. I was too scared to tell anyone about it, and I hid it

well… for a time.


     These recent events cause me to withdraw even further away from the world. I drowned all of my

misery in my online games. World of Warcraft was the only thing I had left to live for. My grades at

Crespi dropped dramatically. I just didn’t care anymore. I hated that school. I didn’t think about my

future. The only thing I gave any serious thought to was my WoW character. I had become very powerful

in the game, and I was in one of the best guilds. With this guild, I participated in lots of five-hour raid

events to collect better gear and armor for my character.


     Mother moved to a new house with a swimming pool that she was able to lease for a fair price. She

picked me and my sister up from father’s house and took us there as a surprise. It was located near the

old blue house, though in a nicer area. This was on a day that I had an event on WoW in the afternoon,

and I was very concerned about whether or not I would make it in time, so when we got to the new

house I didn’t even look around and immediately hooked up my laptop to play WoW. I was that



     After being bullied so much in Eighth and Ninth Grade, I became more shy and timid than I ever was

in my life. I felt very small, weak, and above all, worthless. I cried by myself at school every day. 

     The very last day of Ninth Grade was the worst. I was having P.E. at the gym, and one of my

obnoxious classmates named Jesse was bragging about having sex with his girlfriend. I defiantly told him

that I didn’t believe him, so he played a voice recording of what sounded like him and his girlfriend

having sex. I could hear a girl saying his name over and over again while she panted franticly. He grinned

at me smugly. I felt so inferior to him, and I hated him. It was at that moment that I was called to the

office. When I got there, my mother was waiting for me to take me home. I cried heavily as I told her

about what happened earlier. That was the last day I ever set foot in Crespi Carmelite High School.

     Crespi was finished. I thought I could finally relax. Little did I know that the worst was yet to come.


     My parents shocked me with very horrible news. They were planning on sending me to Taft High

School. Taft had five times as many students as Crespi, it was a public school, it had girls in it, and it had

a bad reputation. I had never been so scared in my entire life. How could they do this to me, after

knowing what I went through at Crespi? Taft High School would eat me alive and spit me out. I felt so

betrayed by my parents.

     On top of that, they told me I had to go to summer school at Taft very soon. I failed a few classes at

Crespi and I had to make up for them. The summer was supposed to be a time of peace and relaxation.

This was turning out to be the worst summer of my life. 

     I went with my parents to the Taft Orientation event, and it was a horrific experience. I felt so

dismayed at how large the school was, and how intimidating all of the tall students were. I even begged

my parents to send me back to Crespi, because I knew Taft would be much worse. 


     I had a foul time at summer school. I remember how I used to hate it when my parents made me go

to summer camp. Summer camp was like heaven compared to summer school at Taft. I got lost on the

first day. I was so terrified that I hid in the hallways during break time. I spent my time at summer school

gruelingly waiting to go home so I could feel safe playing WoW.

     My 15th Birthday was in the midst of this summer school term. I was so miserable during this period


that I didn’t even give much thought to it. It was so uneventful that I barely remember anything about it.

I believe I just had dinner with my mother and played WoW afterwards. 

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