To make me feel more confident, my mother provided me with a better car to drive in Santa Barbara,
a BMW 3 series Coupe. I had always wanted this, since I cared a lot about my appearance. I had been
asking my parents for a more upper-class car ever since I found out that there was a car hierarchy, and
that some students at my college drove better cars than others. Now I was one of the students with a
better, high-class car.
Having a nicer car than most other students my age did indeed make me feel more confident. Mother
should have bought this car for me when I first moved to Santa Barbara. It made me feel better about
going out more while I was there. This, coupled with my newly healed leg, gave me one last twinge of
hope as the remaining months of 2013 passed.
For those last remaining months, my extreme desperation and desire for happiness took hold of me,
knowing full well how my life will turn out if I don’t get what I want. I went out every single day, just to
put myself out there in the world in order to see what opportunities arise. I explored the entirety of
Santa Barbara and Montecito, and it fully dawned on me what a beautiful environment I had been living
in. However, a beautiful environment is the darkest hell if I have to experience it all alone. That fact that
I had wasted the last two years in such a beautiful place filled me with anguish. I thought about what an
enjoyable life I could have had, if only girls were attracted to me.
Two new housemates moved into my apartment for the Autumn semester. They were two foreign
Asian students who attended UCSB. These were the biggest nerds I had ever seen, and they were both
very ugly with annoying voices. My last two housemates, Chris and Jon, were nerds as well, but at least
they were friendly and pleasant. These two new ones were utterly repulsive, and one of them had a very
rebellious demeanor about him. He went out of his way to start arguments with me whenever I raised
the issue of the noise he made. Hell, even living with Spencer was more pleasant than these two idiots. I
knew that when the Day of Retribution came, I would have to kill my housemates to get them out of the
way. If they were pleasant to live with, I would regret having to kill them, but due to their behavior I
now had no regrets about such a prospect. In fact, I’d even enjoy stabbing them both to death while
I was assigned a new counsellor to meet with me every week in Santa Barbara, since Karlin and Sasha
no longer worked for that company. My new counsellor was named Robert, a UCSB student who is one
year older than me. I had coffee with him a few times, and we went volunteering together twice, in an
effort to get me out of my room and doing activities. Nothing conducive to attaining the life I desire
came out of these meetings, but the social interaction he provided was pleasant, and it gave me an
outlet to express myself.
I visited my mother’s house quite often in the Autumn. To my extreme rage, I discovered that my
sister now had a boyfriend, and that she had lost her virginity. She had casually “dated” boys in the past,
but never to the serious extent that she did with this one. This one was a half White, half Mexican
named Samuel, and I immediately took an intense disliking to him when I was first introduced to him. He
seemed like the typical obnoxious slob that most young girls are sexually attracted to. Georgia invited
him to my mother’s house all the time, and it angered me to watch him lurking about, eating my
mother’s food and drinks, and making use of my mother’s house. He was freeloading off my mother,
and she didn’t even realize it.
I eventually grew to hate him after I heard him having sex with my sister. I arrived at the house one
day, my mother being at work, and heard the sounds of Samuel plunging his penis into my sister’s vagina
through her closed room door, along with my sister’s moans. I stood there and listened to it all. So my
sister, who was four years younger than me, managed to lose her virginity before I did. It reminded me
of how pathetic I was, that at the age of twenty-two, I was still a virgin. I hated her boyfriend as well. My
sister said that he’s been with other girls before her, and I’m sure he lost his virginity at a much younger
age. It is such an injustice. The slob doesn’t even have a car, and he is able to get girlfriends, while I drive
a BMW and get no attention from any girls whatsoever.
My sister even showed me a picture of one of his ex-girlfriends, a pretty brunette white girl. My
hatred towards him only intensified after that. I refused to speak to him whenever he came over, and I
constantly pestered my mother to ban him from the house, but she refused to heed my demands. Even
worse, she constantly talked about him admiringly. He reminded me of Leo Bubenheim, a typical
obnoxious boy who has been able to experience a great sex life from a young age. An enemy had now
infiltrated the household of my mother, the one place in the whole world where I’ve always sought
refuge from injustice. Things were getting too out of hand.
Grandma Jinx came to visit father’s house in late October. When she last visited, she resolved an
intense conflict between me, my father, and Soumaya. In a way, this recent visit paralleled the last one,
since I was having conflicts with Soumaya this time as well, just not to the same extreme.
I went over to father’s house to see my grandmother. She suggested that I take her out for a coffee,
and I knew just the place. I took her to Barnes & Noble at the Calabasas Commons, a place of great
significance in my past. While there, I showed her all of the spots I had spent time at years ago.
Afterward, before I said my goodbye, a feeling of sadness swept over me, as I knew that was most likely
the final farewell.
On Halloween, I found it hard to believe how fast time had gone by. I remember how on the last
Halloween I had considered exacting my Retribution on this very day. Time indeed will inevitably pass,
and soon enough my fate will have to be decided. I went home to my mother’s on Halloween, of course.
I wouldn’t be able to stand being alone in my Isla Vista room while all of that partying happened around
me. It was the exact same scenario as last year. In the afternoon, I saw a new psychologist, Dr. Randy
Gold. In truth, he was my old psychologist whom I visited briefly when I was only thirteen. That was back
when my life was just starting to fall into this dark path, and now I was still in the same position, except
that the dark path was soon going to reach its climactic end. After my therapy session, I got drunk in my
mother’s hot tub, trying not to think about all of the fun and sex that other young people were having
Nothing came out of my desperate outings in Santa Barbara during the last months of 2013. Girls still
didn’t show any interest in me. I drove to SBCC a lot, even though I was only signed up for online classes.
While there, I saw other boys who had inferior cars driving around with hot girls in their passenger
seats. I have a BMW and never had any hot girl in my passenger seat. Not once. It only made me fume
with rage. Santa Barbara was such a beautiful town, but I could go nowhere without being insulted by
my enemies. The mere sight of them enjoying their happy lives was an insult to me, because I deserve it
more than them.
One place of refuge I often went to was the Coffee Bean in Montecito. It was located in a beautiful
little town center, and most of the couples there were older than me. It provided a quiet and peaceful
place for me to contemplate and brood.
On the eve of my last day in Santa Barbara, before I went home for the winter break, I went to the
Sandpiper Golf Course in Goleta to watch the sunset. It was my usual sunset spot, and on that evening
the shape of the clouds on the horizon made it exceptionally beautiful. I basked in its radiance as I stood
there, wondering with despair how a world so beautiful could be so cruel. And then, one final insult
came along, as if the world was taking one last spiteful lash at me. A young couple came and stood near
me, making out with each other as they watched the very same sunset. There were lots of other people
there as well, for it was quite a unique sunset. All of them must have had thoughts of admiration
towards the couple, and thoughts of contempt towards me because I was all alone and unwanted. I
have lived such an unnatural life, devoid of love, sex, and pleasure. Watching sunsets was one of the few
joys I had left, and now that too was taken from me. How can I enjoy a sunset anymore, knowing that
other men get to enjoy them with their beautiful girlfriends at their side? There was no more life for me
During the winter break, I was able to experience one final respite before 2014 came, the year my sad
story will at last come to its tragic end. My mother and sister planned another trip to England at the end
of December, this time for two weeks. For those two weeks, I stayed at my mother’s house by myself,
taking advantage of the time to have one last period of relaxation and peace.
They decided to take my sister’s boyfriend Samuel to England with them, and upon hearing this I
became very infuriated. Samuel was my enemy, someone who has enjoyed a happy life of sex while I
have starved for years. And now my own mother was paying for his ticket to England, something he
doesn’t deserve. I felt so betrayed by my mother because of this. She should have been more
considerate for how I would feel. I am her son, and she should be on my side. But then again, my mother
is a woman, and women are all mentally ill. There was no way she could possibly understand my point of
I attended my father’s Christmas party during this winter break. At the party, I ran into Karl
Champley. I hadn’t seen him since he hired me to work on his house years ago, and it was nice to speak
with him again. I felt very bitter and ashamed, having to appear to all of my father’s friends as the same
awkward, unwanted outcast I had always been. Some of them asked me about my life in Santa Barbara,
and a few even asked if I had a girlfriend. I had to suffer having to tell them that no, I don’t have a
girlfriend because girls are not attracted to me. I wished I could tell them all that I had an amazing life
there, with a girlfriend who would be with me at that very party. I wish I could have made them all
proud of me, but of course, I had nothing about me to be proud of. The only solace I had for that shame
was the knowledge that I will soon rectify everything on the Day of Retribution.
My mother told me that I can have one bottle of wine from her pantry while she was away, and on
New Year’s Eve I chose to open the best one in the lot, a fine vintage that I slowly sipped throughout the
night as I stayed at my mother’s house, all alone. I knew that other young popular people were having
the time of their lives that night, partying the night away. As I sipped my wine alone, in the moonlit
darkness of my mother’s backyard, I assured myself that soon I will have my revenge on all of those
young popular people. Soon…
After a restless sleep, I arose from my bed early on New Year’s Day, 2014. This was the final year. This
was the year in which everything will come to a close. In this year, I will finally have my closure, my
vengeance, my retribution! My whole tragic life had led to this, and I was ready.