Why I don't smile

"Whenever I meet a stranger, I don't smile. I don't smile because I don't want them to get too close. I don't want them to ask personal question and I will be forced to reveal my embarrassing life. 

I also don't want to mislead them. I don't want to mislead them and have them think I am well and I have a wonderful life. I don't want them to do what I do and end up like me. 

I also don't want to accept reality. I don't want to accept the fact that I have skeletons in my closet. I don't want be aware of the shame I feel or deal with a new low self-image. So if I smile with some people and not with others, I would have to justify why, to myself. So best for me not to smile to anyone and I can justify it as it is me being myself rather than having to explore the fear of not wanting some people to get too close and personal.

Since I treat everyone the same and I don't smile to anyone, I come across as being cold and distant. And that's okay. Being cold and distant means I rejected them rather than the other way around.

Although one day, I hope I can forgive myself and come to terms with this. I will never be close to anyone. I will never even be able to be friendly towards anyone. I will never be able to feel compassion, empathy or connect with anyone. One day, I hope to be able to forgive myself. Today is just not that day."

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